I wrote this post over a year ago, but it seems as timely as ever…
Authors, indie and otherwise, are some of the most resourceful, tenacious people I know. They are also among the most generous, and kind bunch of folks you’ll ever find. I am one of those people, so why am I so freakin’ mean?
To myself, that is.
Brain research tells us that we have anywhere from 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day, and up to 80 percent of those thoughts are negative. Why are our brains such Debbie-Downers? Apparently, they are wired to pay more attention to negative experiences. It’s a self-protective characteristic. We are scanning for threats from when we used to be hunter and gatherers.
Okay, I get that. I understand that it is human nature to focus on the bad stuff. I also get that I can’t really help myself for wondering what Donald Trump is thinking with that hair.
I also get that writers are self-critical beings. We spend a lot of time in our own heads and a lot of time alone. We are our work’s toughest critics.
But, can a girl catch a break once in a while? Can I learn to be a little kinder to myself?
I can try…
Donald Trump aside, I’ll leave you with this anecdote about a young woman who woke up one morning and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
“Hmmmm,” she said, “I think I’ll braid my hair today.” She did, and she had a great day.
The next morning she woke up and saw that only two hairs remained on her head. “Well,” she said, “I’m going to part my hair today.” She did, and she had a really fun day.
The following morning she awoke to only one hair on her head. “Oh,” she said, “I think I’ll wear my hair in a pony-tail today.” She did, and her day was wonderful.
The next morning she awoke to find that she did not have single hair on her head. “Yea!” she said. “I don’t have to fix my hair today!”
A big part of what keeps me sane on the days I’d like to pull my hair out is the company I keep. I am blessed to be a part of this online community of bloggers, authors, and other creative people. Your encouragement and support is ever-present and contagious. Thank you!
![539284_2760626228489_1224200914_n[2]](https://michelleeastmanbooks.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/539284_2760626228489_1224200914_n2.jpg?w=350&resize=350%2C262#038;h=262 "539284_2760626228489_1224200914_n[2]")
Michelle Eastman Books 
authorkellymiles
Fabulous and I agree! We are our own worst critics. There is amazing support here in this community and I’m thankful to be a part of it. Thanks for the great post and reminder! xo
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Michelle R. Eastman
I needed to remind myself of this today! Thanks for being part of this awesome community!
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Norah
Thanks for allowing this one to resurface, Michelle. Its important message is timeless.
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Taurean J. Watkins (@Taurean_Watkins)
I know I’m often too hard on myself, Michelle. Yet it’s hard not to when you’re constantly hearing-
“Your first impression counts”
“Send in ONLY you BEST WORK”
“Have your work editing by a team of editors before we, agent and publisher, ever see it”
“Be sure you query letter grabs in the first nanosecond-or else!”
Okay, I’m exaggerating on the last one, but it does FEEL that way sometimes as a writer.
This is why I’m turning my back on publishing right now. I also had to buy back the contract for the only book I ever sold, because I can’t bear the burden to finance the illustrator/cover designer I needed.
(This is was a small press, their resources were limited, and so I had that creative control which I LOVED, but my limited finances couldn’t afford it, etc).
The next few months I’ll be living a super frugal life, more than I already am, so I can afford to buy back my contract by birthday, and then I’m done with it all. Publishing-wise, I mean! (I still want to live-LOL)
Yeah, I can keep writing, play around with said writing, and I will be doing that. Starting in 2016: all my writing is just for me and no one else. I still want to be published, in spite of all this, I won’t pretend I don’t, but I’m just not ready yet.
I had to accept that so I won’t have yet another breakdown. I refuse to let this disappointment break me, though it’s come close, but I’m taking it day by day now.
I’m doing okay, and I appreciate the support I’ve been given to those I told in the raw sting of all this (they know who they are, and many come to this blog)
I was hounded by bullies all my life. I’m done being my own bully.
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Michelle R. Eastman
Hi Taurean. It is a tough business, to be sure. That’s part of why I chose to self-publish. I am grateful to have so many kind, supportive people in our online community who help lift my spirits during my low moments. I wish you the best with the new direction you are taking with your writing. Take care.
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Taurean J. Watkins (@Taurean_Watkins)
Thanks for replying, Michelle. I’m glad you and others have the resolve and means to go out on your own.
Sadly, I can’t afford to self publish at the pro level, that cost more than what I’m paying to buy my contract back for. So either way, money and lack of resources would get in my way, and on top that, I don’t naturally think from an entrepreneurial mindset.
But really my problem right now is I let the technical weaknesses in my writing and struggling to absorb the business stuff I had to learn no matter what, guess what got sacrificed? My ability to have fun. To play with storytelling.
Every time someone told me “Just Play” or “Enjoy the Journey” I felt like I was being shot at.
They seemed beside the point.
Just because it wasn’t fun to learn about writing query letters and feel so much riding on them, didn’t mean I could escape learning about these it or other things part of this business.
No offense to you, but because of what was involved, I just never saw publishing myself as an option. It would just be poorly done mess. I’m not being melodramatic for “Hard on myself” that’s the reality for my situation. Sometimes honesty isn’t positive. Part of being realistic to my mind is knowing where your limitations lie.
I’d just suck at being my own publisher at this point in time. One day it could change. It’s just not possible right now.
All that said, I don’t know how or what will bring the fun back. But for me it’s at the heart of the real problem. Sorry for being a bit of a downer. I just need time away from all this.
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Michelle R. Eastman
Hi Taurean. No need to apologize for getting down. It’s a huge undertaking to write one story, let alone all of the things to be learned about publishing. I was very fortunate to have connected with a talented illustrator who knew much about the technical aspects involved in creating a high-quality product. I, alone, could have never accomplished what we created. I am taking a break, myself, from working on another book at this time. I need to give myself some space and come back to it down the road.
I wish you the very best.
Take care,
Michelle
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